the latest

for about two weeks now i have had multiple blogs ready to send, but things rarely ever go the way you plan them here. i have these things typed on my computer and limited access to wireless. since it has been cloudy and raining everyday for the last twelve days, it's difficult to count on the signal. then there is the fun of trying to use my flash drives in internet cafes. like everything else here, that is always hit or miss.

i have been agonizing over this and feel it hanging over my head like i do when i haven't written in my journal or picked up my guitar enough. i have put pressure on myself, as i do, knowing that people want to see pictures and hear stories. in the end, i give into what you must learn in a place like this...less really is more and things that used to seem important just don't matter. life is stripped down here, enough for me to see it for what it really is and care about the things that count.

a friend, whose writing has had a profound impact on my life, gave this advice to me,
"write without editing. write about anything. write with no minimum or maximum expectation." this is a challenge for my anal, perfectionist, daughter of an English teacher self. for the first time in my life i have been sending emails without proofreading them...that is a big deal for me. writing has always been a good outlet, but i find it hard to just lay my heart out there for the whole world to see. it's getting easier.

so, here it is, what has been happening with me; unedited, not planned out, just as it comes.

i have finally started to settle into the lifestyle here in such a way that it feels easier. i am realizing that frustration is something we choose, not something that is forced upon us. it's a choice, like every other ugly attitude that has raised its head in me since i've been here. this is definitely one way to find out what is really in your heart. there is no place to hide from it here and nothing to cover it up. it's all on the surface, because it takes energy to wrestle those monsters down and keep them hidden inside. the daily tasks of living here sap all of that energy and make it impossible to pretend that you are anything other than who you are when no one else is around.

lately, i have been thinking a lot about the children that i have made connections with over the years and the encounters that left me changed forever. those memories have been rising to the surface after many years of being buried deep in my heart. some things seem too precious to share and others too painful. i am learning so much about myself here and i thought i had that figured out. dwelling on these memories has been good for my heart. i have realized that most of my closest friends now have never even heard these stories.

here is one of my favorites from my trip to Romania in 1992:

George was one of the critical cases among those children I met in the hospital for
infectious diseases in Constanta, Romania who were HIV+. He was very disturbed and confined to a crib. He had hit himself so many times in the same spots on his head and face that he had sores. They said, nothing would console him. During my time there, we as a team would pray and worship together everyday at lunchtime. We began to pray for George and over the weeks I was there, the peace of God came over him at times. The first time I visited him I was by myself and when I came in the room he was sitting up in the crib and hitting himself as he did. At twenty I didn’t have much experience with this and wasn’t sure how to handle it. Whenever I find myself in that position I cry out to God even if it is silently and ask for help. As I did that on the day I met George, songs began to come out of me. I was very insecure at that time in my life and never sang in public, but it just came over me. George, according to the nurses, had never been able to rest or relax since he had been there. I don’t even remember the songs I sang to him, but as I sang, the intervals between blows to his head got longer until eventually he stopped. Keeping his big brown eyes on me the whole time, he slowly moved his way down onto the mat. By the time I finished, George had put his head down and fallen asleep. I left the room and went to play with some of the other kids outside. Soon, one of the nurses came to find me and asked what I did to George. She said, we have never seen him sleep.

i am gathering more stories here and will be sharing more on the work in Muzoka soon. things have slowed down for now and i will have a bit of a break over the holidays. thanks to all who have been praying. the rains have been good and if it continues this way, the harvest will be plentiful.

Muzoka: Part 1

I am starting to spend more time in Muzoka and the need is so intense there. When I am there I can see, this is why I came. I know a lot of you have been waiting for blogs and pictures like this, but it is a sensitive thing for me. If you know me, you know that I hold these things very close to my heart and feel them deeply. It’s not always easy to express it. I also want to be careful, because these are real people and although I want you all to see and hear the reality of the situation here, I don’t want to toss their stories and faces around without care. I didn’t even start carrying my camera until a couple weeks ago, because I don’t want people to see me as just another white visitor and I want to respect their lives.

Here’s one day in Muzoka about two weeks ago:

Today I visited some of the children and families that we would like to start supporting.
There was one little girl(in the picture above) that totally made my life...not just my day. She is five, HIV+, and an orphan. She attends the preschool that we run there, so she had seen me earlier in the day at the center. When she saw that i had come to her place to see her, she came running from across the road with the biggest smile on her face and jumped into my arms. This little girl was dying before the couple that work for us there, found her and got her tested. Muzoka is a deserted rail town with 37 surrounding villages, over 1000 orphans, and very little opportunity for work. These families are all maxed out trying to care for children and many of the guardians are in bad health themselves. Most of them try to survive on somewhere between 50 cents and a dollar a day for up to ten people.

We visited a very sick baby, who they are sure is positive. The mother is positive and the baby is basically dying. She went to the health clinic last week and they told her to take him to the hospital about 20km away to get him tested. That place only tests for HIV on Wednesdays and she didn't have the money for transport, so they are just waiting. Getting him tested would get him the medication he needs and all of that is free. So I arranged for transport for them to a town that can do the testing on Monday, it cost me $5. At that same place there is a little boy, four years old, who is deaf. He had cerebral malaria and was in a coma for 3 months. When he woke up, his hearing was gone. He was precious, just holding onto me and pointing at my camera the whole time. The stories go on and on. Sitting with these people, I feel God's grace all over me and have an incredible sense that He has prepared me for this. It takes something only He can give to be able to face these needs and do what you are able to without completely losing composure. I have to trust that He will lead me in these things and with His help we will care for as many as we can.

grannies and orphans

this is one of the projects that i am helping to oversee. it was started to support grannies who were left to care for grandchildren after their children died, mostly because of AIDS. Rainbow has sought to care for orphans while keeping them in families and connected to the community. they have also done this through the private school they started as a preschool about ten years ago. the school now has over 450 students from preschool to grade 8. about 150 of those students are sponsored by people in the UK or US, because school costs money for everyone here. not all of our sponsored children are orphaned, some of them are in other needy situations and wouldn’t be able to attend school without support. the sponsorship program is another area that i am getting involved with. three years ago, Christine Crowther, who was the wife of the director of the organization, passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. she was a huge part of the work here and after she was gone, many of the projects that she began and took charge of were neglected. there was just no one to pick them up and run with them. these are the things that i am finding myself getting involved with; the things that were in her heart to do, including the project for orphans in Muzoka.

this brings me back to the grannies, which was one of Christine’s projects. there is a Zambian woman who has kept it going, but it has needed someone who can assess situations, problem-solve, and determine what needs Rainbow can meet. i have been out twice now with Martha. i drive some rough and tough vehicle (this was yesterday's) through these compounds, which are where we find the most needy people in this area. they are on the outskirts of the city and the conditions are heartbreaking. we deliver large amounts of food once a month to about 10 families. yesterday we just went to visit three of them so that i can start getting to know them and their situations.

this is Zenia. (sorry, i couldn't ask her to move into the sun, so you may not be able to see her face.) she doesn’t know how old she is. her three daughters have all died and she has one young grandchild who had to be sent to live with friends in Lusaka, because she couldn’t care for him. she walks on her knees to get around her place, which is a room the size of one of the closets in my house in the US. the government took possession of the building after her last daughter died and it is rented out apart for this one little room that they let her stay in. she sits on this step all day. we took her some charcoal today, which is the only way they can cook their food. i have to trust God for wisdom in these situations and pray that God provides a way. we are looking into the Maramba Old People’s Home. (yes it really is called that. they call people old and fat here and it’s ok. : ) there are some things that i know from past experience here and from spending time with Christine. the first time i came in 2001, the condition of this place was inhumane and Christine took it on herself to change it. the team i was with was the first group to go in there and paint buildings.
now the conditions are decent and Rainbow gives them a donation of food once a month. they are going to help us with social services to see if we can get Zenia placed there. pray that this door opens so that she has some kind of quality of life for whatever time she has left.
one of the ladies we visited insisted that i sit down and pound maize. either she feels strongly about introducing me to Zambian tradition or she just wanted someone else to do the job. we had a good laugh.

my hero

This is Samson, the guard dog for the center where I am living and working in Livingstone. He is a cross between a Bull Mastiff and an African hunting dog, so basically don't mess with this guy. He has become my buddy and great protector. Last night I was in my room talking to my friend who lives next door and suddenly Sam was outside my door barking at something, which was very unusual. I looked out the window to try to see what it was and couldn't see anything. So, I opened the door and right there about two feet away was a COBRA...I'm not even lying...a COBRA. 

 It was reared up with its hood open looking right at me! Thank the Lord for Samson! I froze for a second and then shut the door of course. Poor thing, he was trying to get the guards attention, but they were fast asleep...just like good guards should be. We had to figure something out, because the snake and the dog were at a stand off and we were trapped inside. I have a back door, but the lock has been broken since I got here and I have never been able to open it. Well, I determined I was getting through that door, so we could get the guards. I played around with it until I finally got it open and we went around the back to wake them up. Animal instincts are so amazing. Samson somehow just knew that this one was dangerous and that he should not try to take it on by himself. When he heard us come out, he came over and walked us up to the guards and then went back to hold the snake there...so smart! The guards got their sticks and headed down to the battle line. Needless to say we stayed out of sight. We heard shouting and 'Samson no', then a yelp, and lots of bashing of sticks and rocks. Then they all came around the corner with the dead snake hanging from one of the sticks. I was sure that the snake had bitten Sam, but he was ok, just got sprayed in the eye with venom. He went to the vet today and he's one tough dog...my hero!

pray for rain

believe it or not, this will dry up soon, just like the rest of the rivers and streams here. any Zambian will tell you, water is life. no water means no food for a good majority who live out in the bush villages. October is generally the hottest month and during that time, everyone just hangs on for rain. pray that it comes early, so that crops will survive. there are several churches out in the bush that we work with and support. pray that God will sustain them through this difficult time of the year and that they will remain strong in their faith, not giving up seeking Him. pray that strongholds will begin to be torn down and that a standard that honors the Lord Jesus Christ will be raised.

i’ve been thinking about Elijah when he called down fire on Mount Carmel. the pagans were calling on their god and it was the Almighty God that answered Elijah. pray for that kind of faith in God’s people here to stand up to those around who are turning to gods that will not answer; that they would stand and see the salvation of their God.

back to basics

sorry that it's been a while since i posted anything. work started a couple weeks ago and that's about all i can handle. life is so much different here. the days are long and very hot. by the end of the day you are exhausted and very dirty. then you have to somehow find the energy to cook something, since there are no easy frozen meals here. thanks to my friend Ronnie, i don't have to wash my clothes by hand, but i do have to hang them to dry and then iron everything. i've been so used to tossing things in the dryer when they're wrinkled. the smallest tasks seem overwhelming in the heat and there is no quick way to do anything here. i love it though, being the minimalist that i am. it just takes a lot of getting used to.

before school started, we went to Zimbabwe for a couple days. we did a lion walk which is part of a program to save the African Lion from extinction. this was one of the coolest things i've ever done. these were 16 month old cubs that have been raised in captivity, but taught to live in the wild. eventually, their cubs will be released into the wild, without any human contact.

the answer is yes, i was extremely nervous at first. especially, in the first picture where i was holding his tail. we had only just started the walk and everyone was very hesitant. so of course, i stepped forward and said i wasn't afraid to go first. next thing i know there is a lion's tail in my hand and then all the guides disappeared to take photos.

this is the picture i promised of me with my gift chicken, looking very Zambian. i must go now, the sun has gone down and it is time to get back to the center. i will write more when i can.

random thoughts

After the time I spent in Muzoka last week, the people brought gifts to us to thank us for all that we did for them. I have a great picture of me in a Chitenge wrap with a live chicken...my gift from a lady I prayed for and led to Christ. You don't refuse gifts here, so I had to take it from her and hold it until she had left. :) A Zambian friend was kind enough to say he would 'keep' it for me. I am working on getting pictures on here, it's just hard doing that in an internet cafe and nothing ever seems to work as it should.

When standing in line for anything here, you must stand so close to the person in front of you that you are practically, if not, touching them. If you are not willing to break the built-in American rules of personal space, you will be cut in on as though you are not there. If you are not packed in like a Sardine, you are definitely not Zambian, and also, not in line.

I haven't started working yet, so I am trying to just relax and continue to let my body get used to the climate. Sleeping is a much bigger part of my life at the moment. I feel like a growing teenager...needing nine or ten hours at night and a good nap in the afternoon. I'm going over the border to Zimbabwe this weekend with the woman that runs one of the schools I will be working in. She's from England and has been here for two years, so she is a big help to me. She's buying a car(Rav4), which she is already calling 'our' car...very exciting! We have a van now, but you can't go very far in a vehicle that doesn't have off-road capabilities.

I am excited about what I will be doing in the school here, in addition to the work in Muzoka. She wants me to establish programs for students with special needs and do some counseling with 8th grade girls. I also know that I am going to learn a lot from her and from the experience.

'It's going to be a hot year'...

he said, as he took cover in the shade. it's not even technically hot here yet and it is already unbearable in the sun, even for Zambians. i have been here for four days and am just trying to get adjusted. i have been to Muzoka once and will be spending most of this coming week there. very excited about what God is going to do there. you can physically see Him bringing life and hope to that area. i met a family in Muzoka the first time i was here in 2001 that i got to see again last year. one of their children was just a baby when i met them and now she is six. i saw her the other day and she was really drawn to me...have a feeling we will be buds. as we drove away, reality sunk in for me, both of her parents are HIV positive. i felt God say to me, 'keep her close'. this is life here and why i came.

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Departure

In less than three weeks I will be boarding a plane with my life packed into three bags. It has been fairly freeing to shed material possessions, say goodbye to my ever-increasingly stressful job, and put my trust in the One who owns everything. I have spent the last four weeks traveling to see family and friends and have been so encouraged. It is overwhelming to think of all of the people that God has brought into my life and the massive amount of support that is available to me.
This trip is not just about going and helping an organization reach out to orphans. I know this is training for me and intend to learn as much as I possibly can.

This is the beginning of the fulfillment of promises that I have been holding on to for many years.

Over the last year, I have finally found the courage to pursue those promises again. My motto in my classroom for the last five years or so has become, 'I mean what I say and I say what I mean'. I know that consistency and integrity give my students the security they need in order to be all that they can be. I have been challenged in the area of trust and how much more does He mean what He says...I am learning!

This blog will be the main means I use for updates while I am in Zambia. I will have access to email at least once a week and will be keeping up with myspace as well. The next post is the story of how I arrived at the decision to go this year.

Zambia Back Story

In 1992 I took my first mission trip to Romania, which completely changed my life and began to stir up a heart in me for needy children. From that time on, I took many trips with teams and traveled all over the world. After examining two short trips that I took in 1999, I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t a whole lot of purpose in these short term trips for me anymore. I told God that I wasn’t going to go anywhere else unless He directly told me to go. In 2000, I moved to Kenosha and in March of 2001 God spoke. I was sitting in the Sunday morning meeting at church listening to a man named Bryn Jones, who had been a pastoral and apostolic figure in my life for many years. He was talking about the increasing number of orphans in Zambia and the work of Ewart and Christine Crowthere, missionaries from England who began an organization called Rainbow Africa to help meet the needs of the people there. As Bryn was talking, tears welled up in my eyes and God said to me, ‘you need to go there this summer’. So, I talked to Bryn, got connected to a team from England, and went with a friend for about a month in 2001.
I clearly made a connection with Ewart and Christine and began to build a relationship with them. While I was there, they shared with me a plan for a Day Center for orphans. They wanted to build something that would be a place for children who have lost their parents and have no where to turn. A place where they would receive the care they need, as well as, education and life skills. Unlike a traditional orphanage, the goal would be to connect these children back into the community either with families that could care for them or with siblings caring for each other. All of this would be with the help of resources from Rainbow Africa, including the fees for going back into the government schools. When they shared this with me, my heart jumped. That is my vision for orphaned children, whether it be in Zambia or right here in Kenosha/Racine. My heart is to take in children who have no where else to go and who would otherwise not survive; to give them all the tools they need to be successful in life, and most importantly, bring them into a personal relationship with Christ. In 2001, I came home even more convinced that Kenosha was where I was supposed to be for the next season of my life. I continued to build a relationship with Ewart and Christine and started to support them financially, by sponsoring a child and raising money for the Day Center project.

In 2004, Christine passed away after a long battle with breast cancer and Ewart began moving forward with the plans for the Day Center, as it was her vision to see this take place. In the Fall of 2005, I got a message from Ewart, which was a routine update and list of needs to be praying for. In the list, were needs for the Day Center, including someone to help run it. My heart jumped once again and I began to seek the Lord as to whether or not I should consider being a part of this. At the same time, we were discussing the possibility of a team from Kenosha going over there. I was still seeking God on this the whole time we were planning the trip for the team this past summer. By the time we left for Zambia in July, I had come to the conclusion that this would not be the right time in my life to live in Zambia and work with Rainbow. Honestly, that conclusion came from practical thinking about life and finances, not from the Holy Spirit. I still went open to what God would say, but with my focus on the team and our purpose for being there.

While we were there, I got to visit the site in Muzoka where the Day Center has been built. It’s not up and running yet, but the facility is in place.

I also had some conversation with Ewart about the possibility of being a part of the ministry there and what that would look like. God spoke to me, not in a voice or directly, but through the circumstance of being there. There is such a sense that I fit when I am there and it is easy for me to jump in and be productive. There is a huge need for help, especially without Christine, who left a lot of holes. I can see that the gifts and abilities that God has given me would be an answer to prayer for filling some of those holes.

After returning in August, I began to share this with leaders and close friends. There was a resounding amen to pursuing the possibility and continuing to seek the Lord on it. As time went on, I became more and more confident that the Holy Spirit was leading me in this direction. These are things that have been in my heart for so long and I have held them, trusting that He would provide the opportunities when the time was right. I have been a lot of places in the world and this is the first time that I have been a part of something where I know I would be covered and nurtured spiritually and not just left on my own. I am confident that this is the right time for me to spend some time there and give what I can for as long as God would have me. At the moment, I have faith to be there for a year and will trust God and my leaders for further direction as time moves forward.